You aren’t grieving correctly

By Claudia Sadler-Gerhardt

October 26, 2021

“Why are you still wearing your wedding ring?”

“You shouldn’t be dating yet. It’s too soon.”

“Why aren’t you dating yet? It’s been long enough.”

“Your kids need a dad. Find another husband.”

“Are you really still sleeping in your marital bed? Still living in the same house?”

“Plenty of divorced people are single parents, so this isn’t any different.”

Losing an intimate partner is profoundly life-altering at any time, but for a young adult (those ages 20 to 40), the loss is atypical and unexpected. There also appear to be societal expectations regarding what such off-time widows or widowers should do or should not do during this time of grief. Research supports that partner death increases the risk of physical and mental health concerns, including depression and anxiety, financial insecurity, loss of identity and loss of social connections. For the young widow or widower with children at home, becoming a sudden and unexpected single parent and the only income earner can be overwhelming. 

There is a paucity of research and literature about off-time widowhood. There is also a lack of role models for the young widow or widower because cohort members are unlikely to have lost partners. Additionally, there is ambiguity about what behavior is socially acceptable for this age group. Support programs are often geared toward widows or widowers in later stages of life who have different needs and concerns than the younger widow or widower does. In addition, young parents who are simultaneously working and raising children have a lack of discretionary time for obtaining grief support.

Given the current COVID-19 pandemic, the continuing opioid crisis and high rates of motor vehicle accidents, it is likely that rates of young spousal death may increase. A colleague and I recently conducted a qualitative research investigation (unpublished) with six young widows and one young widower (all 20 to 40 years of age) whose partners had died within the past 10 years. We hoped to learn about their lived experience of widowhood, including relational, financial, parental and personal changes resulting from the death of a spouse or partner. 

The first blatant phenomenon was that all of these widows and widowers had been told by someone that they were not grieving or acting correctly. Most of the issues revolved around when to date again (or not), when to remove wedding rings, when to change beds and whether to allow children to join the parent in the bed, and how to relate with their in-laws. Comments ranged from “children need a dad/mom” to opinions that it was way too early for the widow or widower to be dating. Another concern was the awkwardness of possibly dating someone who had known the spouse before their death. In-laws often disapproved of the surviving spouse returning to dating because that could essentially result in their adult child being “replaced” in the family. Additionally, it can be challenging for the surviving spouse to interact with or to maintain a relationship with their in-laws after the death of their spouse.

Another big change involved social and friendship relations. The participants reported losing friends who were uncomfortable having someone who was now single in a group of couples. In addition, friends were often uncomfortable asking or talking about the spouse or partner who had died, under the guise of not upsetting the griever. Widows reported feeling as if they didn’t fit in. Many were encouraged to “move on,” to remember that they were still young and needed to find someone to be with. Others were told that being widowed was similar to being divorced. Although in death, unlike with divorce, there is no other parent to help out.

Another big area of struggle related to identity. Who is this person now that they have been widowed? Are they still married or suddenly single? Stereotypical widows are not 40 years old. The young widow or widower often deals with being the only wage earner, a solo parent and the primary housekeeper and has little time to work on self-identity. 

Most of the participants in our study were parents who expressed a need to stay healthy for their children. Children often were scared that the surviving parent might die. Work, parenting and other tasks left little time for the surviving parent to engage in self-care or grief support. Finding some semblance of balance was challenging. Social media was a convenient resource for helping these individuals learn about grief and obtain supportive networks. There are online groups for young widows, and there are also hospice services for their families. Making time to exercise was another challenge that was noted, although most of the study participants acknowledged its importance. 

I have worked with many grievers for several years, taught undergraduate and graduate grief counseling courses, and presented numerous grief workshops. So, what have I learned about young off-time widows and widowers from a clinical counseling perspective? 

Assessment is absolutely critical. Do not make assumptions. Assess from a biopsychosocial-spiritual perspective. Obtain referrals if appropriate. Assess family and in-law relationships.

Recognize the unique needs of the widow’s or widower’s developmental stage.

Give consideration to the utility of telehealth appointments if appropriate.

After ensuring that basic needs are being met, work with the widow or widower on areas such as identity and roles, social support, self-care and grief support. 

Be aware that widows and widowers will likely experience others telling them how to grieve in the right way. Foster their ego strength in making their own decisions. 

Above all, be a safe companion for these grievers while allowing time for their stories to be shared.